Want to be a Saint? Want to be considered a living miracle? Are you incredibly stupid? If so, the stigmata is for you. Stigmata is defined as bodily marks, sores, or sensations of pain corresponding in location to the crucifixion wounds of Jesus. Stigmatists often suffer open, bloody wounds that cause them pain and inconvenience at the very least. It’s ok though because it is supposedly a blessing from God. Before you go on your way to becoming a stigmatist, I’d like to give you a few helpful hints that will make the experience all the more believable and enjoyable.

STEP 1: COMPLETELY DISREGARD HISTORICAL ACCURACY

The most common stigmatic appearance is of holes or bloody marks through the palm of the hand where Jesus was nailed to the cross. Historical accounts have shown that people were not nailed to the cross by their palms, the nail was driven between the small bones of the wrist, the radial and ulna bones, because the hand cannot support the weight of a human body. So remember, when you first decide to become a stigmatist, poke holes in your hand. Were you to be historically accurate, it would be obvious that you were a fake.

STEP 2: BE A GOOD FUCKING LIAR

It is a common misconception that the stigmata must be visual. If you’re too much of a pussy to put holes in yourself, I have good news for you. If you’re a really good faker, you don’t even have to have visual proof of the wounds of Christ. In 1373, St. Catherine of Sienna claimed to feel the pain of Christ’s crucifixion in her hands and feet but never bled or showed physical signs of the wounds. Thousands of people bought it; they called it invisible stigmata. If you’re going to try this, you should practice lying in front of a mirror. Practice saying things like, “ow”, “ouch”, and “Oh, the pain, the wonderful blessed pain”. Make it convincing.

STEP 3: HAVE A VAGINA

Throughout history, there have been more female stigmatists than male stigmatists. At one point, for every male stigmatist, there were seven female stigmatists. Most people chalk this up to the fact that women are more open to spiritual activity because they are more in touch with their emotions. I think the truth is obvious. Women are good liars (See STEP 2). They also tend to crave attention much more than men. What better way to get attention than to walk around with bloody, open wounds. When Britney Spears’ popularity wanes, she could easily follow St. Catherine’s example to raise her level of popularity.

STEP 4: TAKE A SHIT LOAD OF DRUGS FIRST

In many cases of stigmata, the wounds of Christ appear on the stigmatist after they experience states of religious ecstasy or hysteria. So, if you’re not a good enough liar to fake a seizure, you still have a shot at becoming a world famous stigmatist. Simply ingest a shit-load of PCP, LSD, Angel Dust, or any combination of these or other crazy drugs. This should lead to some sort of bizarre behavior which idiots will believe is religious hysteria. When you start coming down from the zany high, start staring at your hands and feet saying, “Oh man, does this look like a nail-hole to you guys”.

STEP 5: SURROUND YOURSELF WITH RELIGIOUS IDIOTS, ESP. CATHOLICS

Catholics are usually the people to receive or at least revere the stigmata. They like to endure pain and suffering for God. They are also prone to believing any stupid thing they see. Hell, you should get an idea of how naive they usually are just based on the fact that they listen to the pope. Anyway, Catholicism is like an incubator for suckers, so head to a Catholic Church and start making friends.

STEP 6: ACT REALLY PIOUS

When you’re a stigmatist, you have to act really holy and afflicted. Try to look really tired and feeble but still make lots of public appearances where you bless everyone in sight. Try to sound kind of deep or cryptic when you speak. Constantly mention your visions of Christ’s death on the cross, Catholics love that.

STEP 7: BE VERY THOROUGH

If you want to be really convincing, you have to make your wounds look really good. The Catholic Church is really anal about this kind of thing and they’ll check your wounds for things like puss, and signs of healing. Your wounds must look fresh at all times. This requires being really dedicated because you have to keep re-injuring yourself. It might even require driving a nail through your hands every morning. Make sure there is a lot of blood too; a blood-free wound screams fraud.

STEP 8: TIE UP THE LOOSE ENDS

If you can pull off the stigmata for the rest of your life, you’re pretty much set; BUT, the catholic church will probably check your stigmata when you’re dead because they don’t trust people very easily. One way to deal with this last test, is to let your wounds heal completely near the end of your life (do whatever it takes to minimize scarring). You’ll have to hide your hands, feet, side etc. but if you’ve been a stigmatist long enough people will believe you have Christ’s wounds even if they don’t see them every time you make an appearance.

    After your death, when the Catholic Church checks your hands and feet and see that there is no stigmata, you’ll be golden. They assume that after death, the stigmata is taken off of the individual because he/she can no longer use it (Like taking expensive jewelry off of a corpse).

    Congratulations, you’re an asshole who spent his/her entire life lying to people for the attention and adoration you think you deserve. I hope you feel good about yourself you dick head, you’ve perpetuated a disgusting farce that should have died a long time ago. Thanks to people like you, the Catholic Church can easily continue its corrupt mission, enslaving and robbing millions of people too stupid to see the ridiculousness of the situation. You’re a bastard.

By: Paul Galicki