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Anatomy of a Tattoo

(excerpt from Are You In or Are You Out)

Anatomy of a Tatoo is a selected excerpt from the book “Are You In or Are You Out?” written by Gregg Champion.   The book follows Hutch MacGregor through a rolling, err…tumbling, adventure through the world of work, love, sex, sex, sex and (sighs) l o v e.

Yes.  The tattoo craze is back.  We all know that tattoos have come into and fallen out of favor pretty regularly for the past two thousand years or so.  But before you get any funny ideas, let me be the first to say that I have never participated in body decoration of any type, ever.  Well, maybe one time…I do seem to recall a one-night stand with one of Rodman’s ex-girlfriends that involved a healthy dose of edible, glow-in-the-dark body paint.  But I digress.  However, women can garner important attractiveness points for their “Tat’s” based on one simple factor: location, location, location.

My spin on tattoos is purely from a sexual and moralistic standpoint.  Basically it comes down to this for tattoos and women:  Women who have tattoos are “liberal with the labia” and the location of the tattoo says just how liberal they are.

It is not the design of the tattoo but the location that gives most women away.  You might hear one woman say, “Oh, I have rose on my ankle because I like to walk amongst the flowers.”  No, not, no way am I buying it.  The women who have the rose, daisy, or sunflower on the ankle are just chickens.  They want to be like Courtney Love but turn out more like Cortney Cox.  Which allows us, the men, to think…“Ahh that’s cute,” not… “Oh, she’s going down tonight.”

The next safety area is the shoulder blade.  Women are into flowers up in the northern hemisphere also.  Having a tattoo up top does show strength and even may scare off some men.  You may want to survey the landscape before you invite your lady friend to a summer engagement party and she shows up with a little hot spaghetti strap dress and a “voodoo dragon” on her back.

On the arm is not a place for gals to have tattoos, unless you are like Rosie or Ellen.  Just think, fifty years from now when those grandma arms are kicking in your wife will have a “Betty Boop” tattoo that looks more like Bette Davis, and your grand kids will believe her arms are made of Silly Putty.

We then venture “south of the border,” (the bikini line, left, right or below the navel).  This is where you will find Mickey Mouse, Speed Racer, Scooby Doo, or any other Saturday morning cartoon character who seems to find its way to the “Promised Land.”  To our dismay we are stuck reliving our childhood while trying to provide a great “oral presentation.”  Not fair ladies, keep that stuff out of the war-zone, it only confuses us.

Okay boys flip her over.  The cheeks have been a long time favorite zip code for “Tat’s,” and with the invention of the G-string, tattoos seem to find the ass as a happy home more and more.  I have seen a heart, a unicorn, and once I saw a Cupid on one cheek with his arrow landing on the other.  This seems to be the place where women are willing to air their dirty laundry.  Tattoos on the derriere tell volumes of where a girl has been and where she is going.  My favorite “tucas tat” was a girl who loved playing craps in Vegas; she had a pair of dice on her ass – a two and a five.  Think about it, if you are playing on the “felt” that night you are definitely not going to crap out.

The best tattoo area is the small of the back…aka…“The Money Spot.”  I have personally seen a huge sunflower, a zodiac star, and even Led Zeppelin’s “Zoso” sign.  Talk about “In Through The Out Door.”  If a woman has a tattoo in the small of her back she is the most likely to be “liberal with the labia.”  I mean each time I have been with a woman who has a back side looking like a “Matisse,” she has shown me a thing or two about “expressionism.”  To the women who may be reading this, I’ll let you in on a little secret: men think of the tattoo on the small of your back as a target to pull out and drop their goo on.  You might as well have a “bull’s-eye” painted on your back, because we just sit back and start throwing darts at the dartboard.

Guys, think about it, women only accessorize if others can see the accessories.  So…when women place tattoos in those “oh, so sensitive places” it is for our benefit not theirs.

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